So I have not been keeping up with this and it is only really affecting me as no one really reads this. I am mostly keeping this blog as a journal of our efforts towards a healthier life so I can look back and see how far we've come. It's been almost 6 months since the first time we watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead and learned that not only was OUR diet causing us to be healthy but that diets we thought were healthy would continue to hurt us, even if we managed to lose weight. During that time we have juiced on and off, not really fasting but incorporating it in our lives to get more nutrients. But come December we just gave up. We faced a few stresses in our life that we weren't expecting and to be honest we were slacking spiritually. We were not counting on Jesus to carry our burdens so we took them on ourselves and when it was too much to handle we just let food be our comfort. During this time of no self control, my weight shot up to nearly 250lbs. I felt like a blimp. My clothes barely fit, my face was constantly breaking out and to top it all off I got a horrible hair cut. I felt hideous and just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from everything: people, food, and God.
I've discovered when I'm not eating healthy, the toxins in my system practically shut me down. My hormones go completely out of balance, my emotions are haywire, my thoughts become jumbled and I can't focus. Then add the fact that I hate my appearance and you've got a seriously depressed person on your hands. January couldn't come fast enough. I was sick of holiday parties, having to get dressed up and look nice when I felt like a beast. Even the food didn't help. It all tasted delicious but I was so aware of how much I was eating and I felt like everyone around me was aware as well. Every time I got up for another helping I heard the phrase "This is why you're fat" ring loud in my head. I have never been so self conscious before, my confidence was gone. I only really enjoyed Christmas time for a couple days and then just wanted it to be over. The season's meaning was completely lost on me
Now we're here, a couple weeks in to January and I do feel a change. We have been trying to fast, failing here and there but definitely watching our portions and not going overboard. Last night for instance we "cheated" by having a peanut butter, agave, and 1/2 banana sandwich. This was a compromise as we both wanted chili dogs. I think that's actually a success story. But along with giving up food I also have the hurtle of giving up substances like caffeine and alcohol. I wouldn't say I struggle with alcoholism but I have an unhealthily relationship with it and would be extremely happy if the desire for it all together was gone. Breaking substance dependencies is tough on your state of mind and there are time you feel like you have no control over yourself. You feel down for no reason and when you're up you're WAY up and don't really know why. This is not only hard for me but it's rough on Kyle as he tries to be supportive but can't seem to say the right things or really make any difference. This entire journey has really tested us as a couple.
Last night we hit a low. We had the same argument/emotional breakdown we had been having for weeks but this time we faced some truths. The fact was, neither of us were putting forth the effort in our relationship with the Lord and that laziness needed to stop. We felt overwhelmed because we were not allowing the One who took our burdens in the first place to take them once again. We were complaining because we both had nothing left to give each other and after hours of tears and arguing we resolved to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and turn to the God who created us. We couldn't hate ourselves because God loves us too much. He made us who we are so He could USE us, part of that meant us changing our habits and choosing Him first. Part of that meant us being healthy enough to use. All of that means relying on Jesus for the strength we don't have. Believe me I know that it's easier said than done, but we've faced our failure and we WILL move forward. This is a process and even though we have taken a few steps back we are faithful that it only means more growth.
So now this is more than just a diet. It's an opportunity to live up to the potential that God built in to us. Last year we moved churches and it gave us a renewed perspective but it also took away all of our crutches. God moved us on because He knew it was time for us to make these steps on our own and grow without us relying on other people to hold our hand. He put us in a situation where it is no longer easy to just coast but where we have to work hard to make time for Him and go outside of our comfort zones to serve Him. He brought us here, so He must know we can handle it. Now it's just a matter of remembering to trust in Him, everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment